Well, things have improved here in the Finzer household.  I must say that the first thing to improve has been my emotional health.  I am still taking my meds but, some days I think that I do not need them at all.  So, I can tell that my personality has come back a lot more and I can enjoy life.  I have been so consumed by being Samuel's nurse that I have forgotten to simply live my life.  I have a beautiful family and I am blessed by it every day.  I have a great job as an online professor and I just feel so productive when I teach.  It gives me something else to think about.  My house chores do not get all done, but, I guess housework is never done anyway. 

The girls are enjoying their summer.  Crystal graduated from Kindergarten on May 28th, and it has been fun in the sun at the 'Finzer waterpark' ever since.  My gosh, those girls play until they just collapse.  Its fun to watch them and it has been great to be able to invite their neighbor friends over.  Children's laughter is great for any depressed soul.  So, this has been wonderful for me.  I do not feel depressed anymore.  Praise God!  I feel overwhelmed at times, but, I am not desmayed.  I see my sweet Samuel smile, and hear him laugh (the cutest thing ever!) and my heart rejoices.  I guess I needed to see that he was not in pain anymore.  His Prevacid is working great and his acid reflux is more under control now. 

My beloved Crystal is the sweetest  6 year old I know.  She would hug me and kiss me everytime I was down.  One day she reminded me how blessed we are to have Samuel with us.  She simply said: " Don't worry Mommy!  Samuel is the baby we NEED!"  My goodness.  She is right!  Samuel is the baby we need.  He is the right baby for our family.  Samuel is the baby Jesus made for us, and we just need to take care of him and love him.  I tell you ... my little sweetheart is very insightful at times.  At least for a 6 year old!  In her mind there is no doubt that Samuel is going to get better soon and will recuperate fully.  I know that too!  However, I am now in the midst of all the chaos and is easy to lose perspective.

I need thank my mom for all her prayers and support.  It has been so hard for her to watch me wither, but, I am in the process of blossoming again!  All with Jesus' help!

Keep praying,

Leyla

Samuel will be coming home with oxygen, monitors, and a Gastrostomy tube (G-tube) feeding line.  This is not the way I envisioned my son coming home.  I must say that I am happy that he will be home soon.  However, I wanted to be his mommy, not his nurse.  This is not the case.  I will be his nurse and his nursery will become his new NICU.  Samuel will come home with an apnea monitor, so that we can tell if he stops breathing.  I have a bed set next to his crib, and I will be ready to take care of him 24-7. 

March will be stressful, complicated, exciting, scary, and challenging at the same time.  Samuel will come home sometime in March.  I will start teaching 2 online Microbiology courses on March 1st for Keiser University, and life must go on as 'normal' as possible.  I am so happy to be back and teach, I am excited about having my son here in my arms as many times and for as long as we both need.  No more trips to the hospital, except for doctor follow-up appointments.  That sounds good ...All I want is my baby home with us.  I must say that I am nervous to be 100% in charge of his care, his medications, feedings, G-tube cleaning/flushing, oxygen, monitors, etc... but, I know God will carry me through all this.  Yes, I said carry me.  I know I will not be able to take a single step without HIM.

The girls pray for Samuel every night.  Crystal needed more attention from me.  She missed me, and she voiced to her teacher that I was gone a lot everyday.  Crystal's Kindergarten teacher asked the class to draw a picture of something that worries them or makes them scared.  Well, Crystal drew a picture of a baby in a crib, and told her teacher that she is worried that her brother is not home yet and he is very sick at the hospital.  When I heard about this, I bawled.  I cried until my eyes were unable to make any more tears.  This trial has been very hard on all of us.  So, I have cut back on my time visiting Samuel so that I could spend more time with Crystal.  We have gone shopping, out to eat at CiCi's pizza, to the mall, and here at home we have watched movies together and spent quality time together.  Jasmine has shown signs of distress as well.  She is completely potty trained, but, with all this she started having more accidents than usual.

I have also shown signs of distress.  Last week, I had a dental appointment and I was told that my gums have receeded in about 4-5 teeth.  This is due to stress.  I guess something in my body had to give ... and it was my gums.  I also bled for longer than usual.  The blood flow stopped 65 days since birth, instead of the usual 40 days.  I have been taken extra iron so that I can keep going and not be anemic.

What a heavy load!  I must say that I would not have been able to carry it all by myself.  I praise God for HIS presence in my life and for my wonderful family, friends, neighbors, and church family who have been incredibly supportive and loving.

Keep praying

Today I got to visit Samuel at Children's Hospital.  Thank you Heather for taking care of Jasmine, picking up Crystal at the bus stop, and then feeding and keeping my girls until 3 PM today.  I had a chance to be there for the doctors rounds and was able to talk to Dr. Welty (neonatal head physician).  He was thrilled with the progress Samuel has made.  He is now taking 40 ml of mommy's milk  (40 ml = 1.35 ounces) every 3 hours.  Praise God!

I was able to change Samuel's diaper today.  I know ... this is such an undesirable task for many ... but for me it was such a blessing to finally see Samuel's little "tushy" and feel like his mommy is taking care of him.  The nurse helped me out a bit with all the tubes and wires, but, I loved changing his poopy diaper.  After that, I had to pump in the pumping room, gave the milk to the nurse to place in the freezer, and then I was able to sit in a rocking chair next to Samuel's crib and with the aid of 2 nurses, they places my sweet, little Samuel in my arms to hold for about an hour.  I loved it!  I have never been able to hold him, and I felt like my heart was going to explode of JOY and thanksgiving to our LORD for giving me such a GIFT.  Today Samuel is 27 days old, and I just can't describe how wonderful it was to hold my son, sing to him, and talk to him.  He slept the entire time, so peacefully. 

I am so thankful that God spared Samuel's life, and today is the first of many diaper changes, lullabies, and taking a more active role in the care of my boy.  I feel energized, and my soul has taken a very BIG step in healing. 

This week, they will concentrate on Samuel's feedings.  Next week, they will try to extubate, if Samuel is ready.  All in God's timing ... and I must say that His timing is always perfect.

Keep praying.

Leyla